Let’s talk about Addiction
Friday, October 10 2025 10:05am
My relationship with people struggling with addiction
I was one of the weird kids that never experimented with drinking or smoking, but not because I wasn’t curious or was too well-behaved, but because I already had an intimate relationship with the effects of addiction and alcoholism thanks to people in my life. I took a sip of my dad’s Bud Light when I was 16 because a friend dared me to, and immediately spat it out calling it “carbonated piss”. It still is, beer is awful.
For example, my mom took me out on my 21st and I had exactly one margarita - and trust me, it was plenty.
My mom has always been a cigarette smoker, and has smoked since she was 16, and my dad has always struggled with alcoholism.
As a kid, I’d sit with mom on the back patio as she puffed on a few smokes where she’d motion to the cigarette in hand and look at me and say “don’t ever do this. Don’t be like me.” She would tell me stories of her smoking pot in high school, and about kids she knew that suffered brain damage or death from harder substances or alcohol related car accidents. It was chilling to listen to. “I mean you have to think, they had their whole lives ahead of them. Now they’ll never get married or have kids. It was taken from them.” As a middle schooler it really sat with me, and is the main reason I never got into that sort of trouble.
Alcohol made my father mean and scary.
My relationship with my dad has always been very strained and difficult. I’ve never talked to him about the cause of his drinking problem (partly because he often denied he had a problem, and partly because I just hated talking to him.) Mom tells me that he was 16 when an older sister gave him a beer for the first time. She also told me that he was treated badly by his 9 older siblings, and has hinted at the possibility that maybe he was sexually abused as a child. Though I grew up with my father in the house, we were never and are not close. As much as I am an open book with other people in my life, I could never talk about something this real with him.
Childhood Memories
I knew that if I got off the bus and saw his truck in the drive way, there was a high chance I’d get screamed at and berated until I was in tears over something that was benign. I’d feel dread and would hope he’d be asleep or at least wouldn’t see me so I could slip into the safety of my room. If I could hear the TV from outside the house - I knew I’d have to put my head down and avoid eye contact and walk swiftly past him. He never let me make it all the way to my room before he’d call out in a low, serious and intimidating tone.
“Kailey..”
I’d bristle, and respond defensively out of instinct “what?” and he hated that. “Don’t WHAT me! Sit down we need to have a talk.” You could smell the sour stench of old light beer on him, and he’d often bring up stuff like dishes I left in my room, the fact that I left a light on before I left for school, or that I incurred costs on the home phone or cellphone bill. These are all very normal things that parents talk to their kids about, but he would work himself up into a raging, screaming frenzy until his pupils were dilated and he was in my face about whatever cardinal sin I had committed that week until I was trembling and crying. Then I’d hear “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” and the classic “I’ll give you something to cry about.” He hadn’t hit us since we were small, but he would throw phones so hard at the wall they broke apart or left a dent. He’d shake phone bills in my face, angry over slight increases, because I took a call before the minutes were free (writing that aged me lol.) He traumatized me severely, and is the reason I struggle with things like perfectionism, depression, and have anxious attachment and a history of codependency. He did the same thing to my brother. He fought with mom the most, though. She was always the main target.
I’ve seen him passed out in the cab of his truck at Olive Garden with us when I was around 11, and panicked thinking he was dead. I’ve been in the car with him while he drove drunk. Things didn’t escalate until after I graduated high school, though.
It all came to a tipping point while I was in college.
He hurt his back on the job at the railroad, and was prescribed highly-addictive pain meds which caused a pill addiction on top of his drinking problem. This made him lose it. I came home to all of my purses thrown in the ditch by our home, my brother’s after market stereo was halfway out of truck, because he tried to pry it out. He was insanely jealous of my brother and I. He hated that we had more than he did as a child. He drove my mom’s car to the field behind the house and let out the air of all 4 tires so she couldn’t leave. It all came to a head when his rage led him to knock her out and she hit her head on concrete in our garage. She almost died. He panicked and tried to shake her awake, and she thankfully came to, but I was close to losing my mom. He got fired for being drunk on the job, and did some unhinged shit and went to prison for a year and some change.
I’ll never forget the eerie calmness within the house while sitting in disbelief with my equally shocked mom and brother, after the police came and took him.
Years later, I reached out. He lied about being sober, and it was the final blow to the relationship. I now keep a very low-contact relationship with him.
I spoke with a man I met at sunrise on the beach who was older, and was a recovering alcoholic who gave me a hard truth. “If he’s still blaming your mom or you guys for stuff, then he isn’t working towards recovery. That’s one of the most important things you learn in AA - accountability.”
My brother had a slight drinking problem in college, but after DWI and probation he’s made me proud by keeping clean.
Lessons and hard truths about addiction from the daughter of an addict
1.) Their addiction makes them manipulative, and they delude themselves with the same lies they tell you.
2.) There are a variety of factors that lead to someone developing an addiction, and addiction can be a variety of things, including non-substances, such as impulse spending, gambling, emotional eating, and sex or serial dating.
3.) The longer the active addiction, the stronger the denial and delusion.
4.) Not all addicts are jobless ‘bums’ or criminals. Through most of my childhood he had a well paying job and we lived in a nice, HOA-managed, suburban neighborhood. There is no stereotype for how addicts look or act. Addiction is as unique as their personality.
5.) As a child in this, you have a choice. You can either follow in their footsteps to deal with the pain they caused you with their addiction, or you can cut ties and go on a different path of growth and healing.
6.) This is from AA - “You are only as sick as your secrets.”
7.) Recovery is possible for EVERYONE. You just have to want it badly enough.
8.) Shame is the enemy of change and growth. I wholeheartedly don’t believe in shame as a concept, only accountability.
9.) You cannot want a person to recover more than they are willing to. You loving them and encouraging them, is not enough if they do not WANT to change.
10.) ALL addicts deserve compassion, even when they are violent or wild. There is a person who is hurting in there, even if you can never reach them, you must always remember change is possible for them if and when they are ready.
I’ll never stop having compassion for my father, I also will not forgive him for the permanent damage to myself and our family. I can separate my pain from my ability to care, and that is something I try to articulate because I believe it’s important. I’ll never give up on him, though change is unlikely. This is because of my personal mantra: Invest in people - they are always worth it.
Thank you for reading. If you are struggling, know you are not alone. People want to see you thrive. <3