Ego Death & Transformation

In 2023, I made a word-art piece that said the following: “It’s not a break through until you destroy something” (pictured on the right)

It was just quick thought that popped into my head, something that I heard while deep in thought working on other art. It was so loud that I had to stop what I was doing, scribble this in red and black marker and then distort it with an editor.

The original was pinned above my desk for years.

But, what exactly do I mean by this? And, is it a positive message? Words like ‘destroy’ typically carry a negative connotation, so what is this about?

Well, here’s the unabridged version —

It's not a ‘break’ through until you ‘destroy’ something. Inhibitions, limiting beliefs, the idea that you are not enough and are unworthy, the idea that you need to be saved or changed in some fundamental way to be valid...all of that gets destroyed when one experiences ego death and true transformation. That is the true implication of a breakthrough.

Carl Jung saw ego as a necessity - something to be refined, not destroyed. Ego death is a direct and sometimes forced confrontation of the self and its shadow, or in other words, between the conscious and unconscious mind.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

This usually happens as a result of some event that shakes you to your core, like a breakup, the death of a loved one, some sort of great disappointment or pain. I like to imagine ego as a sort of shell. The shell cracks and breaks open when it encounters some sort of emotional or spiritual disruption, and suddenly, you are exposed to yourself - all the very worst of you and all of your potential, all of the people you have been, and all of the things you are and are not.

I’ve lost so much. That’s the cost every creative person pays. I lost (or was deprived of) a healthy and loving family, a marriage, multiple friendships and relationships, jobs that I was fired from or didn’t get, etc. My greatest ego death was in 2022, and there is a stark difference between my art from before that period and after. It became darker, angrier, more red, more blood, more occult and self-harm references, more sexual and weird. Why? I was exposed to a great anger I had been carrying since childhood that I denied existed. All the sudden it was all right there - looking back at me. Since then, my art improved and became more complex, with more interesting compositions. I’ve still got lots of room for improvement, sure, but that’s subjective.

Sea of Emotions, March 2020

The greatest thing I can give to young creatives, is the truth that letting go of fear, inhibition, and what you think you know about who and what you are is the biggest key to unlocking your artistic potential. Your mind must be as malleable as the canvas you are working on — able to be shaped and changed. The best among us have had many, many ego deaths.

It is the most liberating thing one can do in this life, I believe. It is the ultimate act of untethering and not conforming. All you truly need to do, is embrace it, and be willing to let change move you - you’ll be surprised and delighted to learn who you really are.

Lastly, you don’t have to be some sort of prodigy or exceptionally talented genius to experience this and reap the benefits - after all, you are the universe experiencing itself.

The death of ego is, in my opinion, a necessity to ascending to the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, something called ‘Self-Actualization’. (pictured below on the left)

When we talk about ego, it is colloquially understood to mean things like vanity, self-importance, and when used as an adjective, typically describes someone who lacks self-awareness or consideration for others in some regard. Yes, this ego, but ego is more than that.

Ego is the framework through which you understand everything. Ego contains where you see yourself within context of the world, your peers, your job, your purpose, and your spirituality. Put another way, computers need an operating software to run any program, ego death is upgrading (or changing) from one OS to another. You are letting go of the ‘bugs’ and of the things that maybe once worked, but no longer serve where you are currently headed.

Shitty graphic I made on my phone for a facebook cover photo because I’m cooler than you.

Back to the original point, if we take the word ‘breakthrough’, we have two root words: break and through - to break, is to modify so that something is permanently changed or damaged, possibly to the point that it is no longer viable or recognizable. Through refers to a passage to and from or a method of getting somewhere, such as in ‘through blood, sweat and tears’. So when combined, it means to destroy or change something as a means of getting to or becoming something new.

There’s a hidden lesson in the word, that in order to reap the rewards of a breakthrough, something must be lost in order to gain what you are after. Ignorance, naivety, innocence, arrogance, and prejudice are examples of things that are destroyed or lost when we reach a breakthrough.

Unwavering Strength, March 2020