Things they don’t teach about life

Some things you learn the hard way, the rest is what you read or listen to.

Here are some observations I’ve made, and quips I’ve collected over the years. They say that life doesn’t begin until you are 18, and if that’s true, then that means I’ve only really been ‘alive’ for 13 years. I’m not a brand-new adult, and I’m also not ‘over the hill’. At 31 I am technically in my prime, which I suspect must mean that while I’ve got some experience, I’m still young and stupid enough to still get into trouble. So, here’s the ‘good’ stuff I’ve gathered in that time.

1) No One Cares

This sounds bleak, but this is a blessing. No one cares about what clothes you buy or if you are ‘outfit repeating’ and this isn’t just because adults own washers and dryers- people are not obsessing over what you do or don’t do. No one cares if you make $55k or $200k. No one cares that your car is 10 years old, that your phone isn’t the latest model, and that you haven’t uploaded new stuff on social media in a while. This isn’t to imply the world is uninterested in you, but we are focused on our own lives.

As a caveat — if they do care, it’s usually because they are what my mom calls a ‘busy body’, which is someone who makes your business their business. If anyone tries to make you feel lesser than, its because they envy something about you. Envy doesn’t have to just be the superficial things either, people can envy others who have more satisfaction and happiness in life.

2) You Aren’t the Only One

Those thoughts you have on your worst days about disappearing and leaving the world were thought by someone else, maybe even at the same time as you. The cheeriest most radiant people have endured pain, loss, and betrayal too. Everyone in your life has something they are dealing with that they aren’t talking about. One woman is frustrated trying to get medical equipment for her handicapped daughter, the man next to her hasn’t slept in a week because of severe insomnia and depression, and next to him is someone silently working through a breathing exercise because their body went into fight or flight thanks to trauma.

It’s true that not everyone will understand, or will even make an effort to, but there are lots of people that can relate to your thoughts and feelings all around you.

You aren’t so different that no one can relate to you. I’m not saying you aren’t unique, you are, but suffering spares no one. This means odds are, someone will resonate with you.

3) Talk to People About the Real Stuff

This ties into the last point. I know other people are going through depression and anxiety and traumatic flashbacks because I talk about what I’m going through, and this invites others to open up too.

The younger crowd is often too cynical, but you aren’t “trauma dumping” just for talking about your life experiences, and we are meant to rely on each other. Humans are social creatures, and before therapy, we had a real sense of community. It’s not that people have more problems in today’s world that only therapy can fix, it’s that we have lost community and struggle to connect, which makes things harder.

The solution to loneliness is to open up about it with others. And if they judge you for it? They weren’t the right person to talk to. You’ll find your people.

I have held strangers in my arms while they cried while working retail telling me about a family member that ended their life. I’ve consoled women wearing sunglasses to cover black eyes. I’ve sat with people that were angry and distressed when they showed up on my porch after being released from the nearby county jail.

I’ve also cried in front of customers and had one buy me a bouquet of roses and write me a heartfelt note. I’ve had internet strangers give me their numbers and encourage me to call them whenever I feel panicked or depressed. I’ve had people drop everything they were doing to stay with me a few days so I don’t do anything to hurt myself.

I know what it’s like to need someone and to be the person someone needs, and part of bridging the gap is talking about the real stuff.

4) Shame is a Pointless Thing That Harms You

No one is a saint. We all do things that we regret or that society looks down on. Within every single person is the capacity for good or evil and all things in between. Doing something that goes against your own ethics, intentionally, is a form self harm, but so is tormenting yourself with guilt about it.

TLC’s My 600 lb Life and A&E’s Hoarders are great windows into the effects of shame on the psyche. Many of the people featured in My 600 lb Life tell stories of being severely abused or neglected or faced with extreme poverty as children — all of those things can create feelings of shame in a person. The person internalizes that shame, and seeks comfort and an escape in eating, until that itself becomes it’s own problem for them. They then begin to self isolate and will sneak food until they become shut-ins and a shell of who they once were. Shame did that to them. For hoarders it works similarly, they consume by shopping and refusing to throw away trash and their homes become unlivable with them isolated inside.

They internalized their pain and punish themselves for it.

You don’t have to do that. Holding yourself accountable never involves shame, in fact, a shame mentality makes it harder for a person to be accountable and honest with themselves and others. Be objective. You did something bad or something was done to you, but it doesn’t define you.

You were sexually assaulted so now you feel shame. You messed up on the job and got a demotion or fired. You didn’t study and got caught cheating on an exam. It happened. It sucks. But that nasty feeling of shame is self abandonment knocking at the proverbial door. Whatever it was, you didn’t “deserve” it, and punishing yourself more-so to combat that shame, no matter the means, will only lead to more of it.

Shame is a parasite of the mind that seeks to erode you of yourself. Tell it to fuck off.

5) You Are the Love of Your Life, and Your Own Best Friend in This Life

We experience everyone differently, and this means there are many different versions of who we are inside the minds of others. No one really knows all of you. They know what they see, what they can perceive and what you show and tell them. Only you knows the inside of your mind and soul, though.

The best thing I ever did for myself was decide to tell myself every day that I love me. I usually whisper it before crawling into bed for the night or in front of the mirror when I’m getting dressed. It’s silly, but that simple “I love you, I’m proud of you.” has done a lot for my self esteem and made me more resilient.

Compliment yourself, give yourself praise. Be your biggest protector and provider of support. If you can build a habit of doing this, of choosing you, you are actively fighting against self-hate and doubt and self-abandonment.

Romantic love is nice, sure. But it can be a fickle thing. The only constant in your life is you. Be someone you love and understand, and you’ll attract people who admire the same.

You can’t loathe yourself into success. You can’t shame yourself into a happy marriage. You can’t judge yourself into supportive friendships. You must choose you, and do so often and aggressively until it becomes your default.

6) Hope is an Act of Rebellion

I once read an article about how people of war-torn impoverished nations would dance with fervor every night while the world burned around them. Clapping, singing, banging on drums and dancing the night away. It’s the most human thing I can think of, actually, to meet fear and despair with joy and movement. Hope is what makes a person dance. Hope is the bet placed on ones own survival and on ones personal strength. To have hope, is to imagine a world in color when everything is black and white. It defies whatever miserable conclusion hard times lead us to believe in.

Your heartbroken and feel useless? Go outside and dance under the moon as badly as you can. Laugh at yourself while you cry it out. Let the cars see you in the street twirling in all your madness. Dare to feel. Dare to defy pain.

The economy sucks. The government is closed. Everything is bleak and lifeless except you. Sing. Dance. Write. Fall in love a million times, and include yourself in that count.

If logically everything is terrible, then abandon reason, and embrace feeling, because after all, hope isn’t something you think, it’s something you feel, something you embody.

7) Your Problems are as Big or Small as You Make Them

What separates a mountain from a mole hill is perspective. When I was a teenager and got my first speeding ticket I cried and had a breakdown because I didn’t want to get yelled at by my parents and wasn’t sure how I’d afford it working minimum wage. I got my first speeding ticket in nearly a decade recently, and barely bat an eye about it. Part of this is experience, I know the options and solutions available, but part of it is also choosing to let it be a small thing.

How you feel about something dictates the size of the issue, and this applies broadly to life as well. If you feel like everything is hopeless and an obstacle you’ll never overcome, then that’s exactly what it’ll be. It will continue to remain that way unless and until you decide to change your perspective.

8) Not All of Your Friends Are Really Your Friends

Some people will celebrate your successes but pray upon your downfall. Others are always a phone call away if you need to vent about how bad things are, but as life improves or good things happen, they pull away.

Don’t take it personally. Be authentic, keep the same energy with everyone. Whoever is meant to be in your life will be.

9) How People Act or Treat You Is More About Them Than You

There was this bully at a previous role who hated my guts. She talked down to me, talked over me, and once screamed at me. It really got to me until I realized she was this towards everyone, with different levels of severity. Overall though she was just a miserable person. It took me a while to understand that.

Kind people are kind to everyone because that is who they are. People that are snotty or disregard you or act disrespectfully will try to make you believe you are deserving of that treatment, and hey, maybe you did do something to them, but they still have a choice in how they respond. If their response is belittling or mistreating you, it’s because that is who they are, not because of you.

Don’t sweat it, and don’t try to figure people out. When people are kind to you, it should be something you appreciate. When they are unkind, it should be something you shrug off - easier said than done sometimes, but I have faith in you.

10) The Pain Point is Where Growth Begins

Whether it is trauma, insecurity or some skillset you are lacking, that is the starting point for transformation.

If you are terribly shy and hate public speaking, that is your starting point. You can see the problem clearly: you clam up and stutter with buckling knees whenever you have to speak in front of an audience.

When faced with whatever your pain point is, you have the choice to run away and ignore it, suffer through it, or try to get ahead of it.

Running away would be not doing your speech for Communications class and taking the hit to your grade. Suffering through it would be just doing the speech, but not really reflecting on what it is that makes public speaking so hard for you. Getting ahead of this pain point is choosing to work on making public speaking easier. This could be by talking to strangers at the store or coffee shop, carrying a conversation in front of smaller groups where the stakes aren’t as high, and challenging yourself by finding more opportunities to practice public speaking, maybe by taking another class centered around it.

The latter is where you’ll see growth and progress. I chose a silly example for this one, and something a lot of us hate, but this concept applies to anything. When you see your short comings as opportunities for change - anything is possible.