You’ll Find Out Who Your Friends Are

This story happened last year, so I feel safe talking about it now.

I had to stop being friends with a man last year, because when the guy I dated after my ex and I broke up, he tried to cheat on his wife by sleeping with me.

Maybe he thought I had no morals. Maybe to some people I don’t. Their opinions aren’t my business though, but when they involve me in things that go against what I’m about, those actions become my business.

I thought on it and consulted mutuals and ended up sending screenshots and calling his wife. This was over a year ago and nothing happened, she chose to stay with him.

Some people who I thought were my friends chose to still be friends with him and I just can’t wrap my head around that. He never told on himself. He never apologized for soliciting me in that way. He never took accountability for that and no one ever asked him too.

I had 8 different screenshots where you could read as he slowly manipulated my trust in our friendship. I had known him for years at this point, we worked together for a while, too.

First it was “hey, sorry to hear you and ___ broke up. I’m here if you need. Let’s do lunch when I’m in the office.”

Then it became “How funny would it be if I just came over and worked from your house?”

“In our pajamas”

And finally “We wouldn’t be getting any work done.”

There were more explicit messages, but I don’t care to air them all out.

A mutual friend of mine and his was aware of the situation and read the screenshots. I told his wife, like I mentioned and nothing happened.

Nothing usually does in patriarchal marriages. It’s accepted in our society that men are little more than animals and to not expect them to be decent to you. (If that offends you, ask yourself why.)

“That’s just how men are.” is a sentiment that comes to mind. Ew. No.

This mutual friend, a married woman herself, distanced herself from me and cozied up to a man who had every intention of being unfaithful.

It stung when I would see her laughing and joking along with him, like she didn’t believe me, like how he made me feel didn’t matter to her at all. It showed her colors.

So I stopped engaging with her and the people we all knew, slowly.

Recently she got paranoid that I’m snooping for information (for something I have no involvement in and don’t care about).

It made me chuckle, because it was absurd, and also because it highlights an aspect of her personality. She’s suspicious because she stirs the pot herself all the time, so she thinks everyone is like that.

It makes me sad, because its obvious that once again, I found out who my friends were.

She wasn’t a friend to me, and hell, isn’t a very good one to him. A good friend demands accountability and growth when their friends mess up, and a good friend holds space for all friends’ feelings. She doesn’t have to “take sides” but by her actions it was obvious she didn’t care about how this was impacting me.

It doesn’t feel good to be in a position to tell on someone like that, it has a nasty habit of making you feel like the bad guy somehow. More so, I had lost a friend, and digging deeper, I not only lost him as a friend, but I was betrayed and insulted by him.

The dark side to my quip “be a friend to everyone who needs one”, is that you will inevitably be hurt or disappointed by people.

It’s admirable to seek to love people, but part of why that is, is because it means you leave your heart vulnerable by opening it for others.

I don’t know how to be fake.

The way I represent myself online, in these blogs, or with people I know is consistent throughout (yay “personal branding” lol); I don’t know how to fake how I feel about people or situations.

She was fake with me when she pretended to care about what he was saying to me.

And he was fake, and low as hell, for using my recent breakup as a means to weasel in and get me to sleep with him.

Real friendship isn’t easy. It’s inconvenient. A real friend calls you out, they show up, and they treat all their friends with the same amount of love and respect.

I’m no saint. But I know what it takes to be a good friend, and one of the most frustrating things is investing into people only to realize they don’t actually care or like the real you.

I’m not going to stop investing in people. I sincerely believe it is always worth it, but of course— no investment is without risks.

I may have lost friends, but I have gained clarity. They are far from the only people I lost in recent years, but that’s just how things go. Ultimately, you can have your feelings about these things, but it’s everyone’s first time being alive, too. That makes it easier to let go and make room for those that are meant to be in your life.

To those former friends, and all the others, I genuinely wish you the best and always will.