Unbridled: the inspiration behind martyr the bride
Unbridled: Behind Martyr the Bride
Illustration of bride with monster, mixed media on paper, 2022
No one gets married thinking they will get divorced, No one thinks it’ll happen to them, and when it unfortunately does happen— everything you built, and maybe the version of yourself you were with that person, falls apart.
Most ‘coming-of-age’ stories are centered around late teenagers who are on the cusp of adulthood, Martyr the Bride is a coming-of-age story for the late bloomer, for fresh-starter, the second-chancer, the person who was never allowed to fully be themselves finally realizing who they are and realizing their potential.
I was that ‘martyred’ bride - I was a young woman who traded chasing a career in Marketing in the city for meager roles to be closer to where my spouse was working and we were living. I traded years of my life that could have been spent developing myself as an artist and creative for cooking nightly dinners for my husband, and cleaning our home, planning the groceries, making sure he was up on time for work, etc., basing my entire life and schedule around my marriage and him.
It got me absolutely nowhere.
He married me despite not really being physically attracted to me - a decision on his part I will never understand, or forgive him for. Everyone deserves to feel wanted, and by his words and actions and affection (or the lack thereof), I wasn’t what he wanted, no matter how much I tried to be. I realized this after years of trying to change and grow as a person, and eventually it all fell apart.
Make no mistake, I am no victim in this, and neither is Chase Grayson - the fictional version of myself, and main character in Martyr the Bride. I was in what the internet calls a ‘dead bedroom marriage’, and ended up starting an affair with a man I met at a prison unit I worked at briefly.
I cannot defend cheating, and won’t try to, but I will say that being deprived of intimacy for years on end does something to a person. So does being told that you are exaggerating about how long its been, and not being desired despite trying.
Martyr isn’t about my marriage or my ex-husband, it’s about limerence, lust, addiction, and how fragile and malleable our self-images truly are.
Inspiration struck me when I was caught up between lives and identities. At work, I was quiet and somewhat timid, at home I was a dutiful wife who went ignored, but with him? With the man that inspired the character River, I was something else entirely.
I was alive.
There were nights of heavy drinking, loud singing, and red lace lingerie under clothes as I would sneak out, 2022 was both the worst and most exciting year of my life. I became a borderline alcoholic, was self harming, and was at risk of committing suicide, but I was also high on the feeling of being SEEN, of being WANTED.
Martyr the Bride details the story of turning a dark and chaotic chapter into opportunity for self-actualization, — for both Chase and myself.
It touches on a variety of themes (ills of society), such as corruption in local government and religious organizations, child sexual abuse, substance abuse and alcoholism, misogyny, religious trauma, and the concept of Hell, and is intended for a slightly older YA audience. The story is surreal, filled with drama, romance, sarcastic characters and gallows humor.
And for full transparency — this story is the only reason I am alive today. My promise to everyone is that I will throw absolutely all of me into this project to make the best that I can.
Thank you for reading, and for your support.